Compiled By:
JD Hoeye
My wife said to me, "Wilbur it's time you learned to play golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are to old to chose women."
So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me to play.
He said, "You sure got balls, don't you?"
I said, "Sure, but sometimes on a cold morning they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow," he said, "and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?" That's what I asked him, and he said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me," I said, "you can tee off if you want to but I'll tee off behind the barn or somewhere."
"No, no," he said, "A tee is a thing about the size of your little finger."
"Yea, I've got one of those."
"Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down?? I always thought you stood up and walked around."
"You do," he said, "your standing up when you put you ball on the tee."
"Well folks," I thought, "that was stretching things a bit too far, and I said so!"
He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure." I said.
He said, "You've got balls in it haven't you?"
"Of course." I said.
"Well," he asked, "can't you open the bag and take one out?"
I said, "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I was going to!"
He asked, "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?
I told him, "No. I'm old fashioned."
Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club!
....Well now, after fifty years I should have some idea and I told him so!
He said that you take your club in both hands, (folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about), then he said "you swing it over your shoulders..."
"No!! No!! That's not me, that's my brother your thinking of."
He asked, "Well how do you hold your club?"
Before I thought, I said, "In my two fingers."
He said, that that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how...
Well he didn't catch me there, because I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing!!
So he said I could just imagine!! Then went on,"When your on the green..."
What's a green, I asked?
That's where the hole is, he said.
Are you sure you're not color blind? I asked.
No.. then you take your putter..
What's your putter, I asked?
That's the smallest club made, he said.
That's what I've got, a putter!!
And with it, he said, you put your ball in the hole.
I corrected, you mean the putter?
He said, "NO. The ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter too..."
Well now folks, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon!!!!
Then he said you go on to the next seventeen holes after you've made the first hole.
He wasn't thinking of me, after two holes, I'm shot to hell!!!!
"You mean you can't make eighteen holes in a day??" He asked.
"Hell no, it takes me eighteen days to make one hole!!! Besides how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole??" I asked him.
And he said, "The flag will go up......"
THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK..........