The event slowly registered as reality I was watching; not some movie - as I'd initially assumed the first few times I saw those images. Then: Stunned. Transfixed. I watched and re-watched history unfold. Unable then, or now, to really, truly, completely - understand...
Now, three months later, as then, unable to understanding the motivation to commit such acts completely eludes me.
Conversely, Terrorism, a term long rationally understood is now emotionally understand. This new emotional definition came crystal clear while stopped in the last rest area before Washington D. C.
I'd examined my maps for a route with minimum exposure to possible targets; an impossible task given my destination. Having failed finding any "safe" route I examined timing - is/was it possible to avoid being in the city mid morning - the answer: No. Emotions raged. Finally, having expended all emotional and physical energy exhaustion swept me into sleeps oblivion.
At dawn I woke. The memory of purpose, location, origin, destination and delivery time returned The clock said I had no cause to hurry, yet, as the direct route jumped into my minds eye together with the vision of places I didn't want to approach. It was when my mental pictures began to move as I changed my route to avoid particular locations... "It's working. You're letting them (terrorists) control you." The words broke into my mind as if someone where talking to me.
I verbally denied, "Am not!" then looked about myself for - who? Nobody there. I was - alone...
What I thought I'd heard said to me had actually come from inside my own head. Forced itself into my conscious through auditory input channels as if from external source. ...That voice. The voice sounded familiar. Who was it? Where did I know them from? I was still trying to identify the voice when it, he (it had a male sound) spoke again:
"They're controlling you, through fear."
I recognized the voice. "You're back!" then continued silently, "Where've you been?"
The voice chuckled, "I've been around; did you hear what I said?"
"Yes. But it's not..." I began to deny.
"Watch." he commanded.
I watched my recent actions played in my minds eye but seemingly on a screen before my eyes. Short clips of many, if not all, the changes I'd made in routing and timing in avoidance of any area containing a "likely target." Hurrying where there was no real need; delaying, even when time was short; ignoring the extra miles involved in using belt rather than direct routes through cities. etc.
The images ended when I admitted, "It's true. I've been letting fear control me - and didn't even know it... Didn't think anything changed... Hid it from myself!"
"Not from me." he said softly.
"Thank You, old friend." My voice filled the cab.
"For what?" surprise in his voice.
"Telling, showing, me the truth."
"That's what friends do, isn't it?" Good humored indignation came though with his words.
"Yes." I agreed aloud, "That's what friends do."
I shook myself, looked around the cab, and thought, "Good thing I'm alone! Anybody overhear this and they'd think I'm crazy..."
I Pre-Tripped, updated my log and was roaring down the eastbound lanes knowing my route was the shortest. Soon, focused on the moving sights outside along the endless ribbon of pavement passing forever under me and the 40 tons of truck and cargo I pilot, relaxed, smiled to myself and said, "Thanks again."
NOTE: I used to kind of worry about my sanity whenever I had conversations with myself like the one related above; long ago, the first few times they occurred. That ended the night he, I call him Commander, saved my life - but that's another story.