SIGNS of the TIMES - Nit, Not Quick, Wits

SIGNS OF THE TIMES
A Small Paper With Small Articles Because It's Just Plain Small

Nit
Not Quick
Wits

Compiled By:
JD Hoeye

Epitaphs

In gathering old records and photographing them for compact storage, Missouri's new records management agency came up with some dandies. Included were these from old vital statistics; records of death causes

"Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead."

"Died suddenly, nothing serious."

"Don't know. Died without the aid of a physician."

"Blow on the head with an ax. Contributory cause, another man's wife."

"Had never been fatally ill before."

CLASSIFIED SECTION:

WANTED: Two boys who know nothing about minimum wage law to mow my lawn.
FOR RENT: Nice 2-bedroom home in a shady neighborhood.
WANTED: A writer with a sense of humor who will not be funny around the office.
FOR RENT: Honeymoon Cottage. Sleeps three.
WANTED: Boys to open oysters with references.
WANTED: Woman to do housework. She must wash every week.
FOR SALE: A nice mattress by an old lady full of feathers.
FOR SALE: Second-hand tombstone. Real buy for a family named Murphy.

ABOUT BEES

A honey bee makes 154 trips for one teaspoon of honey.
A pound of honey requires bee flights totaling three circuits of the earth.
Worker bees live only five or six weeks. Their wings wear out.

GOLD HERTZ

Two beatniks were watching a special TV spectacular, "Wonderful World of Wheels". They had just caught the scene of the Goldfinger car ejecting the bad guy through the roof. One of them turned to the other and said, "Wow, man, like that Hertz Rental bunch doesn't mess around if you don't pay your tab."

LANGUAGE BARRIER

"Are your father and mother in?" asked the visitor of the small boy who opened the door.
"They was in," said the child, "but they is out."
"They was in! They is out! Where's your grammar?"
"She's gone upstairs," said the boy, "for a lay down."

NO NOAH FISHIN

A Sunday School teacher asked her class how Noah spent his time on the Ark. As there was no response from the class, she added, "Do you suppose he did a lot of fishing?"

"What?" responded one little 6-year-old, "with only 2 worms!"

SOLID NUTRITION

Proud mother, exhibiting her baby: "He's eating solids now -- pencils, keys, newspapers, rubber bands, spiders and dishes."

There's a wonderful new baby food on the market. It's half orange juice and half garlic. It not only makes the baby healthier, but easier to find in the dark.

There is a new diet now which allows you to eat anything you want with only one stipulation -- you must follow your meal by eating 1/4 pound of garlic. You don't lose any weight but you look smaller from a distance.

"A citizen who loves justice
and hates evil
is better than a battleship."
-David O. McKay, President Mormon Church

PENNY LOAFERS

Shoe department manager to customer: "Yes, we have quite a selection of loafers. I'll see if I can get one to wait on you.

NitNot QuickWits

Compiled By:JD Hoeye