If I were to get really honest about it, the truth is I don't want to talk about, write about, hear about, or anything else about whatever I may have done wrong, or not done at all. I guess that's because just like you I'm not really proud of my mistakes. Blunders. Improprieties. Ignorance.
For those of you who ever watched Happy Days, The Fonz is unable to say the rest of those ugly words about himself. May his ego rest in peace.
Ignorance. It is curable. If I am to be really fair I guess I'll have to credit CSD with curing a large block of ignorance. The lessons learned are mind boggling in number and scope. If the last two chapters are a yardstick, CSD is responsible for my political awakening as well as correcting my erroneous definition of so many words in the English language.
I mean, how stupid of me not to know the proper definition of the word Homemaker! I thought Homemaker is a synonym for the older expression Housewife or House Maid. If I'd only known Homemaker was really a much more polite way to say Family Counselor or Parenting Advisor, things might have been different. Well, what can I say? I just feel so stupid for not knowing Proper English.
I suppose if I were to be honest about it I would have to at least thank the nice folks down at CSD for helping me over my incredible lack of communication skills and expanding my vocabulary to include such words as "Homemaker".
I also should be grateful for the personal tutoring I've received on such civilized concepts as "Truth" and "Honesty". Somewhere along the way someone must have taught me what those words meant but I had obviously not retained the information correctly. If I had only paid attention for all these years, I would have known that the "Truth" of a statement is valid outside of the context it was made in. I have learned that a statement must stand on it's own to be "Truth". I now know that all the extra words on a page are there so the " Truth" doesn't have to be embarrassed by its nakedness.
For all these years I thought I was supposed to read all those other words, but I guess I was just suffering from a false modesty. It just galls me how much time I've wasted by reading the clothes the "Truth" is so often dressed in. I wonder if people do that just to make the paper not look so naked?
Then there is "Honesty". I don't understand how I could have lived all these years and missed out on the real meaning of the word "Honesty". Maybe my family was trying to spare my feelings when they told me what the "D" in my initials JD; was for.
They told me it stood for Delos, not Dummy. CSD is too polite to come out and say it, but I'm going down to the Courthouse soon and find out the "Truth". If I look at my original birth certificate I'll find out if they lied to me. Unless, of course, someone thought to go and have it changed. Or maybe when my birth was recorded a government employee of superior intelligence was able to detect the mistake and correct it. I really hope so.
I feel so guilty about how I've neglected to show my appreciation to Paul for those original English lessons he was so kind as to share with me. Paul is such a good and honest man that even after my original display of contempt for his generous sharing of proper English he found it in his heart to show me my misunderstanding of time. I will admit that as time passes that it also seems to foreshorten, but I thought it was my perspective which caused it. Again I was wrong. Time really does get shorter the longer it's been I really don't understand the principle yet, but according to Paul's teaching, if I give it enough time, it will catch up with me. Boy, am I relieved to know that. I thought I was never going to get the idea.
I guess it was the way he wrote it out and showed to me back on Nov. 12, 1987 that finally made the "Time" concept come alive for me. But again, total honesty requires that I tell you I'm still not sure I really have a grasp on the idea. Maybe I should take it easy and not try so hard. After all, if I wait long enough, time will get so short I can just reach back and grab it.
The next time I see Paul I feel I must end my long time show of contempt for education, and thank him properly for his generosity. Maybe it's selfish but if I do my apology correctly, he may be inclined to share more of his tremendous wealth of education and experience.
Then, of course, I owe my eternal gratitude to Nancy Cochran. Her obvious concern for my health, and the advice she gave me, has come to be so useful to me. Shame is the only word which can adequately describe my feelings now. Shame for not having recognized what a wonderful, warm, caring person she is. In time I finally saw what I had missed and am so ashamed of myself!
To think I was so much of a Neanderthal that I was unable to see the radiance of her aura or the delight of life in her face. I do owe her my health though. I've decided she was right after all. Being angry with her and her friends at CSD is totally wrong. I now believe that, and am endeavoring to suppress all of my barbaric emotions of anger. I know I'll live longer for her wonderfully thoughtful advice on the subject.
Ann, dearest Ann. How can I ever face you again. The embarrassment I feel for my alcoholism is complete. I do however want to send you a humble note of thanks for helping me to see myself better. How inconsiderate of me to force your sensitive, pretty little nose to be assaulted by the odors of my alcoholic binges, and breakfast beer. I hope you will find the kindness I know to be within you to forgive my boorish manners. It was due to your selfless sharing of, and ability to portray in words, the "Truth" about my self destructive and repulsive drunkenness that finally saved me from dying of my excessive alcohol abuse.
But, alas, my mind grows numb with grief, thinking of my unpayable debt to CSD and all the kindhearted saints who work there and how I've abused them for their efforts to help me and my son, Tylor.
I'll rest now, and take up my task of making my long overdue apologies to each of those who has taught me so much about my philandering ways. I owe them all, more than I can say.
Adieu, for now, my true friends.