NOTE: CSD Bashing, a book I wrote while engaged in legal battle for custody and future of my son, Tylor, which may be found by using the following link:
CSD Bashing The Book, Title page;
or, cut and paste or type in the full URL: www.jdhoeye.com\bash\csd001.html
That next week I met Lois Ruggles. What a sweetly cooperative attitude she had in comparison to Brenda. You know, like a genuine smile that includes the eyes in greeting. Her manners were, probably still are, better than just good, almost courtly. She made inquires about opinion rather than imposing demands. Asked with reason and accepted without contempt. Small gallantries were accepted with simple grace.
The relationship I came to enjoy with Lois Ruggles was a good, friendly working relationship. Of course the old war horse knows the exact value of respect, honor, honesty, and trust. She also knows how to be a lady. I also understand she can probably be a fierce and couragous opponent in a debate, deadly in a battle. I don't doubt that for an instant.
Isn't it amazing what just the smallest bit of human respect can do. It didn't take Lois five minutes to do what none of the others could do in 5 years. Of course the first thing she did was look me stright in the eye and ask what I thought made Tylor so hard to deal with.
I just blinked and looked back at her for a period.
"Well?" she asked again. "What do think causes him to explode like he does?"
"Anger. Rage. Total frustration." I replied. She had my instant respect. Not for asking but for listening and obviously rolling the answer around in her mind.
"What's he so mad about?"
"Why don't you ask what he's not mad about." I replied. "At least that way I could finish the answer by next week."
Lois looked at me thoughtfully, like she was measuring the worth of my reply. "O.K." and slowly went on. "And how do you handle him when he gets out of control?"
"I don't."
Lois looked at me with a face showing a total question mark.
"You ignore him." She was tentative, appeared to be guessing, slightly confused.
"No. He doesn't do that with me. I've never seen one of his blow outs." then quickly went on. "I believe they happen. He just doesn't act that way with me."
There was an extended silence while Lois tried to reconcile what I was saying with what she knew of Tylor.
"That's a little tough to believe." she stated. Her eyebrows had gone to her hairline.
"Yea, I suppose it is." My dissapointment was showing in my voice. I felt my body sag.
Lois didn't say anything for a bit but I could see she was still trying to come to grips with what I'd just told her.
When she finally spoke it was a question. "Why?"
"Why what?" It was my turn to be confused.
"Why does he behave for you and not for others?"
Our eyes met across the table, the gaze held.
"Well?" She said. "Do you have any ideas."
My reply was slow to start. "I think so." Lois waited with a slight question on her face. I started to really consider how to answer.
Lois sat back and relaxed, waiting patently.
"First of all." When I started to talk she took up her pen. The paper was ready. "I talk with him."
"O.K." she was prompting.
"You know." she glanced up. "Quiet and soft. He can't handle his problems and someone yelling at him at the same time."
Lois's pen started moving quickly, she nodded and mmmed her acknowledgements. "What do you do?" She asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, do you sit in an comfortable chair or hold him.
"Oh. I see. You mean to help calm him down so he can tell me whats wrong?"
"Yes."
"It depends on where we are, whats going on."
"Usually." Her one word prompt.
"Well, first I ask if he's hungry. If he wants a hug. But mostly the big thing is quiet and gentle. Don't pry or pressure. Just talk with him and be his buddy. Be willing to listen, and accept that he has his emotions just like everyone else. It takes a while, but pretty soon he'll calm down and start thinking again. When he does he'll tell you what's wrong in no time."
I paused when Lois signaled she needed a moment to get it down.
"That's it mostly. The thing is that he can get emotional over things most of us wouldn't even think of and if you press at him when he's hung up on something you're probably not even aware of, he'll stop the buss until he gets it sorted out."
Lois sort of chuckled and finished her notes. "He'll stop the whole school too." Her voice held conviction.
"In a heartbeat."
That next week Dave Bauer called from Waverly with a bunch of questions.
"You never read that book, did you?" I refered to Bashing.
"Well, I glanced through it." He offered a little embarrased.
"Read it. You'll get most of your answers in an evenings reading."
"O.K. But how did you know?" Davids voice showed he was more than a little shaken.
"What? That you haven't read it?"
"Yes."
"If you had you wouldn't ask that question. Read the book David. I wrote it to be read."
"But I thought you were just blowing off steam. Getting the anger out."
"That too, and it worked, but you'll get more answers faster if you'll just read it. Then I'll be happy to answer any and all questions."
"Deal." He sounded confident again.
He's only asked a couple of details, nothing so basic as how Tylor was raised or where. Not one question about what might get Tylor to maintain control. Just results on the unit and in the classroom.
In some later conversations and meetings he's said some things like these examples:
Tylor's great. He can tell a joke like a pro.
He was a very angry young man who didn't want to be here at Waverly. He did a very good job of telling everyone just how he felt. If they didn't want to listen, well, he just contrived to make sure you didn't do anything else either. Total Chaos. Absolute bedlame. He is very, very effective.
My reply? Two words. Amen, Amen.
David had just repeated the above about Tylor during the final meeting at Waverly Childrens Home.
Everyone in the meeting sat and looked at me for a moment. I got a crooked smile on my face and leaned forward so I could see Lois. "Remind you of some stories about trying to tell me how to parent?" She nodded her accent. "Never ever try to tell either one of us we can't feel like we do. Until you accept the fact, you will not feel anything except exactly what I'm feeling. Ignore me and I'll turn it up until nothing else can exist. Gauranteed. No doubt. Without question. Deny Tylors feelings, or mine for that matter, and you will not have control of anything, even your own emotions, for more than five minutes. No problem. He and I can cause the wallpaper to attack the ceiling if you try to ignore what is."
David Bauer replied. Amen, Amen.
"One last thing." I was concluding."If you don't like me, he will know. He'll pick it up in a heartbeat, and then look out brother, the war is on. Don't doubt for an instant he will defend his father. If he gathers I'm mad at any particular person. If they have to deal with him, they may as well pack it in and go to Maui. It just won't happen."
I heard one of the staff say something my mother had said about Tylor and myself years ago. "It's a symbiotic relationship. Amazing!"
After the meeting Dave pulled me aside. "I'd like to see them argue with this."
"Why?"
"It would be tough to argue with success, don't you think?"
"I wouldn't argue." I replied.
"Why?"
"Never argue with a fool, people may not now the difference. Murphy's Law."