Found this in an old "Life in Hell" strip by Matt Groening. Unfortunately, you will have to do without the illustrations:

MEN! Ever meet that special female lady person of our fair sex, the women, and she give you a look like you was a warthog from Hell? Lots of times? Well listen, bro', things could be plenty different once you master the 9 SECRET LOVE TECHNIQUES WOMEN FIND WELL-NIGH IRRESISTIBLE. Plenty different.

So settle down, take off them boots, chow down on a Hungry-Man TV dinner and a bottle of lite beer, belch a couple times, rub yer face, let out a whoop, spit on the floor, and check this out.

1. CLEAN UP YER ACT! That's right! Take a shower every week and scrub that grit off! The smelly caveman look so popular last season is definitely declasse nowadays.

2. GET A NICKNAME! That's right! Nothing piques the curiosity of a woman like an evocactive nickname. Tatoo it on your chest for easy reference. examples:
   • "POWERHOUSE"
   • "MAD DOG"
   • "ELVIS"
   • "BIG PEE WEE"
   • "JANITOR IN A DRUM"

3. BE MASCULINE!* (* MASCULINE = LIKE A MAN) That's right! Move yer arms around. Flex yer muscles. Puff out yer chest. Stand up straight. Swagger down the street. Squint. Snarl. Sneer. Mutter angry gibberish to no one in particular. Don't take no guff.

4. COPY HER GESTURES! Yep! Drives 'em wild. If she leans forward, you lean forward. If she scratches her nose, you scratch your OWN (<== IMPORTANT) nose. This shows you are both synchronized with the universe or something. Works like a charm.

5. PREEN YERSELF BUT GOOD! That's no jive! Women dig that extra touch that tells 'em "This guy is nifty." Things like a sporty new haircut, blinking chest medallion, or handy pencil tucked behind the ear. Remember: you can never use too much aftershave lotion.

6. LISTEN AT HER! Uh huh! Nothing -- but nothing -- puts a woman off guard like if she thinks yer paying attention to her ceaseless prattle. Meanwhiles, you got some important thinking of yer own to get done -- so you gotta learn the subtle gestures and murmurs that'll keep you out of hot water! examples:
   • "Hoo doggies!"
   • "My my."
   • "Hmmm."
   • "Is that so?"
   • "Well ain't that a corker."

7. GIVE HER THE OLD ONCE-OVER! Nyup! When a guy looks a women up and down, from the top of her new perm to the bottom of her stiletto heels, it's like saying, "You're the hostess with the mostest!" This courtship ritual is used the world over, from the lowliest sea slug to our most emminent brainy science guys.

8. SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS! Watch out! This one's a doozy, what with all the ding-dang fuss over "equality," "freedom," and "justice." But if you stick to yer guns, jut out yer chin like a tough guy, and bellow "Ahh, SHUDDUP!" enough times, she'll get the message. Remember: some women are easier to fool than others.

9. GIVE HER THIS GUIDE, DROP TO YER KNEES, YELP LIKE A WOUNDED PUP, AND SAY: "I guess I'm just too sensitive."